Managing your mental health

What you will find on this page

How might I feel when my loved one is in prison?
Anxiety and fear
Depression
Isolation, loneliness and separation
Shame and Guilt
Anger and Frustration
When it puts strain on your relationship

How might I feel when my loved one is in prison?

As you will be very aware having read to this point, you and your loved one can expect to experience a whole range of feelings and emotions during this time, and it is important that you are aware of, and take good care of, your mental health and wellbeing. This section looks at some of the more common mental health related things you may experience.

Anxiety and fear

We all get anxious at times, and generally we take it in our stride and it passes. However, what happens if you are in a situation where you just can’t do that?

Entering into the justice system (either yourself as a family member of the person who is being investigated) and all that can involve - going through a trial, waiting for sentencing, going into custody, preparing for release and actually being released - creates a lot of anxiety for a lot of people.

So what is anxiety? It is a feeling of unease, worry, or fear about a given situation. The situations we have identified above - or any other situation that might arise on your journey - can and regularly do trigger anxiety.

These are some of the signs and symptoms of or anxiety to be aware of:

feeling on edge or wound up
feeling exhausted easily
mind going blank and not knowing what you were doing, or not being able to concentrate on things
feeling generally irritable
feeling tense and unable to relax
feeling out of control
struggling with sleep - either getting to sleep, staying asleep, or having broken sleep.

What is normal and when should you look for support?

Feeling the above feelings temporarily is pretty normal, and our body`s natural way to react to challenges, we all go through good days and bad days and of course life can be unpredictable.

When the feelings become more permanent, and when they begin to interfere with your ability to function or start to affect your daily life at work, your relationships i.e. with your family and children, then you should seek help and support.

What can you do to get help?

Speak to your doctor

Join support groups or online groups

Distract yourself, sounds silly but keeping busy or exercising can really help

Contact organisations that are there to help

Get help from a mental health charity

To learn more about anxiety and its effects download our resources below

Symptoms to look out for are:

persistent sadness
persistent anxiousness
feeling empty inside
feeling hopeless or that everything is pointless
feeling worthless
irritable and on a short fuse
low energy
reduced movement (everything is an effort)
losing interest in things that were previously important to you
restlessness
sleep issues
appetite / weight concerns
physical pain, such as headaches or stomach aches.

Depression

How often do we say, ‘I’m just really depressed’? It’s become part of our vocabulary and sometimes we might overuse the term, or incorrectly associate it with having a few down days. But what is depression, and how can we tell if we are suffering with it?

Firstly, it is quite severe, in fact it can become very severe. It affects how you feel, think, tackle everyday tasks, and can impact on your sleep, diet, and your ability to work. Secondly, it doesn’t just go away. It is with you most - if not all - of the day, every day.

To be diagnosed with depression you have to have been suffering with symptoms for at least two weeks.

What’s normal and when should you look for support?

If you become involved with the criminal justice system it's likely going to be a time in your life when you feel under stress. Having a duvet day – or even a couple of days - is ok, but days upon days upon days is not. You will more than likely have trouble sleeping and can expect some sleepless nights and broken sleep, but trying to function on three hours a night, day after day after day, is not something you should try and manage alone.

You do not have to experience every symptom to be depressed, if you have several of the above symptoms and they are persistent you should seek help.

To learn more about depression visit here or if you would like to contact us to discuss how you are feeling click here or scroll to the bottom to find others ways to connect with us.

There is plenty of support available to help you with how you feel if you would like to learn more about that support use the below link provided

Get help from a mental health charity

Isolation, loneliness and separation

Prison is, on the whole, a traumatic experience for everyone involved. At the heart of the punishment for your loved one is the removal from the community, however, it can leave a heap of isolation, loneliness and separation for the ones left behind also, we can be so busy worrying about them that we sometimes overlook what is happening to us.

There is no quick fix for this, missing someone is hard and although you may find lots of little ways to paper over the cracks it is an impossible void to fill.

When we think of isolation or loneliness we probably have an image of a person sat in a small room all alone - kind of a cell really – but the reality can appear very different when you are still going to work, chatting with your neighbour, doing the school run, getting your hair done, and having a cheeky catch up with the girls. On the surface you may look like you are living a ‘normal’ life, but the reality can be so different.

It’s like we serve a hidden sentence and, unlike the person who is actually in custody, we don’t really have that many - if any – people around us every day who are going through the same thing. You may also be worried about how others are coping, especially children, see our A Parent in Prison page

What’s normal?

Having spells throughout the day when you feel alone, watching tv and wishing your person was there with you, crying, going to events and feeling that you are not complete, feeling that you stand out because you are alone, going to bed (if you share a bed) and seeing that empty space and not being able to share affection - these and thousands of other little things can and will make you feel very lonely.

Sadly, it is par for the course. You can try to fill moments with other people, you can hopefully chat with your person on the phone and have a visit, but ultimately the very nature of separation due to a custodial sentence will always create a level of loneliness.

When is it beyond what you would expect to experience

There are some signs that may indicate that you need to seek additional help and support, including:

you (or someone you care about) are unable to function in most daily tasks
you can’t sleep
you’re waking up and having panic attacks
you feel unable to carry on with experiences that you would normally share, such as family events
not wanting to socialise with friends
constantly feeling emotional
withdrawing
feeling numb
not eating properly.

To learn more about isolation, loneliness and separation download our resource below

Shame and Guilt

Many families struggle with feelings of shame and guilt when someone in their family is arrested or goes into custody. The nature of the offence can cause additional difficulties, and any coverage in the local or national media, or on social networking platforms, can add to an already difficult time for you. It can make you feel exposed, judged and fear for yourself and other family members, especially children.

It is a fact that most cases will be over and done with fairly quickly and the initial exposure and interest will subside - keyboard warriors find another person to get righteous with and neighbours and playground mums will gossip about someone else – however, at the time you might struggle to see that vision.

Children can be really vulnerable and it is so important to keep a close eye on them, talk to them and, if you can, talk to others who are talking to them, and talk to their school, they are usually really good and have resources to help.

This experience can have a really big impact on you. Some people are able to face up to it and seem to be coping, at least on the surface, while others will really struggle. There isn’t a right and wrong and both are ok. Each case and person is different and how you respond will be unique to your own circumstances.

It is also normal, in some instances, to go back over events and feel guilty for not being able to stop it - the shoulda, woulda, coulda journey, when we try to make sense of things and wish we could go back and do something differently. The fact is you can’t. It’s happened, and it is a very rare case where the person who is in custody hasn’t somehow taken a role in that themselves.

How to help yourself

There are things that you can do to help you manage your feelings of shame and guilt:

think about what you actually feel guilty for, is it rational?
talk to people and don’t cut yourself off (take note, you will find out your true friends and discover the views of family members when you hit the justice system, and you may well be shocked at what you find out about people along the way)
resist the temptation to try and defend yourself on social media, you will not be able to change everyone’s views and it’s easy to get drawn in; don’t fuel it by interacting with people who just want to throw their (unwanted) opinion into the mix
give yourself a break, you are not in control of everything
Accept help and support from people you trust

To learn more about guilt and shame download our resource below

Anger and Frustration

When someone goes into custody you may well feel angry; angry at them, angry at the system, angry at the events that lead up to it and even angry at yourself. Firstly, it’s important to remember that you are not alone, and I think most people at some time or another feel angry.

When your anger flares up it can make you react in ways that may be out of character, and if your person is on the other end of a phone it can be hard for you both to manage. They might also get angry and frustrated with the prison, the system, and what they have to face up to, and we are generally the ones who get that which can lead to further problems. Whether they are serving weeks, months or years, it is highly likely that you will both get angry and frustrated at times with each other and the situation you find yourselves in.

The hardest thing with feeling anger is deciding what to do with it. You can feel powerless with the whole situation and this then leads to frustration. We are generally coping with everyday life and all its struggles too, and it can get overwhelming. You may feel like you are just going through the motions and merely existing, whilst all the responsibility sits with you. It’s totally normal to feel these feelings, and likewise for our person, they may be feeling severe guilt for how things are for you now.

Anger isn’t always screaming and shouting, it can also be distancing yourself from someone - the silent treatment if you like - and one of the hardest things to adjust to is knowing that your person is the one who has to initiate contact. The stress and anxiety this can cause can be really difficult to take in your stride.

When things are not going so great, the emotional pressure that anger and frustration add to your relationship and your home life can be really hard to cope with.

To learn more about anger download our pdf resource below

When it puts strain on your relationship

No one likes to be blamed for everything and this can result in point scoring in your relationship and trying to level things up to deflect from what’s happened; this can lead to bad feeling and disbelief and further negative consequences.

One of the most widespread experiences that those left behind share is that of their person sliding into complacency regarding custody. In the initial stages your person may be full of remorse, promises of change and a new life, and promises to leave their old life behind and start afresh.

For some, this may change over time as they settle into prison life and the initial remorse they feel can seem to be short lived. Phone calls, letters and emails may not be as regular and this can build up resentment in you and lead to angry exchanges.

Some of the most common issues people have shared that they have faced when their relationship has been put under duress in custody are:

distancing
resentment
mistrust
contempt
lack of change
dishonesty
substance misuse
financial pressure.

These and other experiences can lead to a breakdown in your relationship and, due to the nature of your separation, it may not be something that you can deal with immediately. Regardless of whether it is your decision, your partner’s decision or a joint decision, the lack of ability to discuss things and reach an amicable separation can lead to a lack of closure.

To learn more about relationship breakdowns download our resources below